I Can't Think of Anything Clever

today was another boring day at work just like any other, filled with all the mundanity and time-killing to which i've grown so accustomed lately—until my ride home on the metro. it was then, as i stared out the darkened window at the cables and the purple lights and the other shit out in the tunnel rushing by, that i realized how alone i really am.

now it's hard to write about this without coming off as melodramatic, so please bear with me....

it was not so much that i looked around and suddenly realized oh, i am alone, but more that i was struck with an overwhelming sense of detachment. this feeling is nothing new for me; it comes and goes from time to time, here and there, now and then, etc. etc., but not usually so abruptly. no, this was like a punch in the stomach or an electric shock or something. this was powerful.

and so i made the rest of my way home with this feeling moving steadily from my gut up to my throat. i was basically on the verge of tears. ha! luckily, i made it home without breaking down in public, but jesus. you know? (no, you probably don't)

anyway, i've been thinking about it tonight, you know, where this is coming from and possibly what's got me down at this particular moment in time and i realized something else: i have no love in my life. none. i don't just mean romantic love—i mean at all. i'm not even close with my family. i've pushed most of my friends away and i barely speak to anyone i don't have to these days. there's just a lot of emptiness.

well, fuck. i have to wrap it up. it's late and i need some sleep. i'll have to pick this up again later (yes, i know you're dying to hear about it). here's to better days, right?