Note to Self

Stop caring about politics. You didn't give a shit for 25 years——why start now? Worrying about something so utterly rigged and phony will do about as much good as a pile of baby mice on your pillow.

Four-twenty, duuuude!


Stop sharing your opinions so damn willingly. In fact, don't tell anyone anything. Oh wait——do you like feeling embarrassed? Go ahead then; tell strange women on the Internet anything that comes to mind. It won't turn out horribly, I promise. [Haha]

No one cares that you're sensitive. It comes off as neither deep nor interesting; it only makes you look like a pussy. Just remember: Wearing your heart on your sleeve is as effeminate as it sounds.

Never buy hot dog buns at Whole Foods again. Just because you're eating a tofu dog doesn't mean the entire package has to taste like crap.

Grow the fuck up, would you please? You've been coming-of-age for like two decades now. You're not Holden Caulfield, so please stop pretending to reject adulthood before you end up like Seymour Glass.

You think you're turning Japanese?!

You're not different. For everything you enjoy——the music, the movies, the books, the art——there's someone who enjoys it on a much deeper level than you. Ever heard of the Internet? Everyone knows about everything.

Honesty? Honesty is boring. Stop being boring. Ok?

And grow as many beards as you'd like; you're still never going to make up for the fact that you're going bald and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You never had good hair anyway, so who gives a fuck? Oh yeah, and there are women who like bald men. They just love 'em. And they live in a magical land filled with unicorns and puppy dogs that never grow old.

Let the adventure begin.